Mission Statement

My dream is to save the world from Bridezillas, one post at a time. Bridezillaitis is often contagious and new brides should be wary of catching said disease. It is treatable and with a little help we can cure others who have contracted the disease through their newly received engagement rings- most noteably those whose diamonds weren't conflict free!

Inability to laugh is one symptom of the disease. If you read the enclosed posts and do not feel the urge to laugh I urge you to seek help immediately !

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas- Eureka Style

So what on earth does this have to do with Weddings you may ask? Well a girls got to have a hobby while planning a wedding so that you don't become a Bridezilla. Its nice to have something to talk to people about besides "The Wedding". Personally I like watching great Sci-Fi shows and then writing fanfiction about them.
You can find my stories at Fanfiction.net under my pen name Pchefbeth.

I was stuck listening to the 12 days of Christmas today and since I’m in such a good mood because the Eureka Holiday Episode will be on in less than 12 hours I decided to write a little tune for the special day. Sung to the Tune of the 12 days of Christmas here is your 12 days of Eureka.

The Twelve Days of Eureka!

On the first day of Christmas, Syfy gave to me- The date for season 4.5.

On the second day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- Taggert dressed as Santa, and the date for Season 4.5.

On the third day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- Vincent’s homemade fruitcake, Taggert dressed as Santa, and the date for season 4.5.

On the fourth day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- A heat wave in Eureka, Vincent’s homemade fruitcake, Taggert dressed as Santa, and the date for Season 4.5.

On the fifth day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- A reference to Comic-Con!!!!! A heat wave in Eureka, Vinnie’s fruitcake, Tag dressed as Santa and the date for Season 4.5.

On the sixth day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- freaky growing snowflakes, and a reference to Comic-Con!!!! A heat wave in Eureka, Vinnie’s fruitcake, Tag dressed as Santa and the date for Season 4.5.

On the seventh day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- A mystery secret Santa, freaky growing snowflakes, A reference to Comic-Con!!!! a heat wave in Eureka, Vinnie’s fruitcake, Tag dressed as Santa and the date for Season 4.5.

On the eighth day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- A Singing Dr. Deacon, mystery secret Santa, freaky growing snowflakes, A reference to Comic-Con!!!! A heat wave in Eureka, Vinnie’s fruitcake, Tag dressed as Santa and the date for Season 4.5.

On the ninth day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- Mistletoe on S.A.R.A.H, A Singing Dr. Deacon, mystery secret Santa, freaky growing snowflakes, A reference to Comic-Con!!!! A heat wave in Eureka, Vinnie’s fruitcake, Tag dressed as Santa and the date for Season 4.5.

On the tenth day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- Zoe home from college, Mistletoe on S.A.R.A.H, A Singing Dr. Deacon, mystery secret Santa, freaky growing snowflakes, A reference to Comic-Con!!!! a heat wave in Eureka, Vinnie’s fruitcake, Tag dressed as Santa and the date for Season 4.5.

On the eleventh day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- Fargo singing carols , Zoe home from college, Mistletoe on S.A.R.A.H, A Singing Dr. Deacon, mystery secret Santa, freaky growing snowflakes, A reference to Comic-Con!!!! A heat wave in Eureka, Vinnie’s fruitcake, Tag dressed as Santa and the date for Season 4.5.

On the twelfth day of Christmas Syfy gave to me- A sexy Jo/Zane moment, Fargo singing carols, Zoe home from college, Mistletoe on S.A.R.A.H, A Singing Dr. Deacon, mystery secret Santa, freaky growing snowflakes, A reference to Comic-Con!!!! A heat wave in Eureka, Vinnie’s fruitcake, Tag dressed as Santa and the release date for Season 4.5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, September 27, 2010

New Beginnings

Ah, the new bride; joyful, radiant, filled with complete bliss! Single women envy them, and want to be them. Nothing more weighs on their minds than the mission to find the perfect dress, and how to make their day the ‘bestest’ ever!

But there’s a dark underbelly to this time for some newly engaged brides (and grooms to be). Conflicts wrought with emotion, anger, fear or even misery and it has nothing to do with the dieting involved to fit into that dress.

How many brides out there have found yourselves stuck in this situation? Your significant other of however long proposes, you accept and it’s all bubbly and shiny joy. Oh happy day, you’re getting married! You tell your parents, your friends, your loved ones and can’t wait to have them celebrate with you, only to have their cold cynicism wash over you.

“He’s/ She's not good enough”, “you’re too young”, “you’re just settling”, “he’s not/ she’s not (insert your parents religion here)”, and you find yourself arguing or defending your choice of a future mate.

You might find yourself in a situation like mine. I was 31 years old and my boyfriend of 5 years proposed and I joyfully accepted. My parents were not exactly flowing over with happiness for me, but they were sure joyful to anyone else they told. Finally- a daughter married- now our lives are complete! We started the wedding planning, and fiancĂ© and I told them our vision of getting married in a garden or outdoor setting and my dear sweet very catholic mother flipped out. Suddenly instead of joyful new bride to be, I’m the shameful, family embarrassment; the one tearing out my poor parents hearts and stomping on everything that they worship when all I want to do is to celebrate what I believe.

When did this become so hard? When did emotional bloodletting become the new norm in family wedding celebrations and how come I missed the memo?! Forget the latest color trends, this is the sort of thing they need to be preparing you for in those Bridal Magazines.

I’m not sure exactly why my mother was so surprised. This non- catholic me has been around for a very long time; more than 15 years, but she didn’t want to acknowledge it- she just kept hoping that it would go away. I haven’t gone to church in years, except when attending a funeral or a wedding, and even then I remain respectfully quiet and non participatory. I don’t have a new religion that I wish to turn towards; I’m simply choosing not to continue in the one that my parents have chosen for me. I think that she would rather have heard that I’d dabbled in prostitution or was a heroin addict with no intention of getting clean.

Well maybe not, but my beliefs, my wishes weren’t being considered, just the age old reason for doing anything- “What would the neighbors/family/world think?!”

Heaven forbid that anything is done for personal pleasure, or for our own wishes. That is too selfish. Instead we should do things to please others, and walk the road that they choose for us, because who wants to be the lone person swimming against the crowd?

I do. (There look I learned my lines for the wedding early on!.) I was raised, I thought, to believe in myself. I want to walk the path of my own choosing and I want to do it in a white dress (of my own choosing). The question was how to get there without carrying years and years of guilt, while still keeping family ties. How unfortunate that the SAT’s prepared me to expect analogies and multiple choice.

The Answer took awhile to come to, but in the end it was simple. I had to really fight for what I wanted – a marriage. I had to find my way forward with my fiancĂ© to reflect what we believed. But it took us nearly a year and even some therapy to find our way there. Sound familiar? Well stick around, because it does get better. It just is a lot more than a white dress and some flowers, no matter what any of the magazines tell you.

Next time on Sarcastic Bride: Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, planning a wedding while working 9-5, and the fracture of my inner monologue.

A Sarcastic Bride for a Day...A Sarcastic Yenta for a Lifetime

Now that I have joined the ranks of married people, My husband and I are proudly ready to do our marital duties - lambasting other young single people with comments like “When are you going to get married?!” and “Hasn’t he proposed yet?” See I learned something during my wedding day - the secret, if you will, for why married people want young single people to get married……Weddings are really fun if you are already married!

Think about it. When you’re single and going to a wedding there is so much pressure. What to wear, how to look, should you bring someone? Or will you be standing alone in a corner eating cheese scoping for that elusive Mr. Right and avoiding his smarmy jackass of a cousin Mr. Hell No? But when you are married, a wedding provides that wonderful opportunity that rarely you get with your spouse. It’s called “Lets get out of the House.” You find yourself a babysitter, a dress that doesn’t have some sort of weird stain on it, a shirt that has no holes in it for him, and joyfully you go to enjoy the prospects of a meal that you didn’t prepare, an open bar that she can’t nag you about your consumption of, and the fond hope for some late night post wedding nookie- cause what else is going to get ‘her’ in a better mood than a Wedding?

So now that I know “The Secret” I am happily pondering which single friends that I have that would be “so right for each other, if they would only meet” so that I can attend their weddings. Zia tops the list first because of her blogging skills- hey babe, you write it, you got it! And because she is one of my oldest and dearest friends. She and I, along with Mama J, met in College, we’ll call it BWU – Basket Weaving University. Zia is always the first person to make me laugh, and through the years when we’ve found ourselves together on many sad and disturbing days, her presence was a calming effect because she is so sincere. So it makes me wonder about the disturbing lack of males willing to follow her around and offer her their bodies as willing love slaves. She’s beautiful, funny, witty, and would go to bat for those she loves, so why was she still single? Truly, it’s a wonder of the age.

I met my Mr. SuperGroom online, so when Zia told me that she was heading online to find herself a date, I first thought- that’s great! Then I recapped what dating experiences I had…..and went……huh? Maybe, not so much. See while I did eventually meet my SuperGroom online, it wasn’t through a dating site. I wasn’t even looking for a date then. I had given up. I was instead just looking to meet people to expand my social circle because as another friend had pointed out, online dating often doesn’t work because you end up focused on what one person wishes to represent about themselves. You don’t get to see how they actually are in their circle of friends. Bottom line- no references. So I thought, if only I could get Zia together with some of the people that I would love to see her with in, oh, say a social situation where people mingle, dance, and have plenty of opportunity for alcoholic beverages. Then it hit me…I should get Married and have a Wedding!!! Well, no it didn’t actually happen quite like that, but somewhere while looking at color palettes, floral arrangements and table cloths it did occur to me, that I as the Bride, could control where people sit……Oh the Power, the Control…the Possibilities!!

When I made a list of all of the single people that I had at my disposal, including my friends and family, and then did the same for my SuperGroom's friends and family…I had a smorgasbord of people that I loved and respected (or would soon be linked to through marriage) that I could “recommend” to my other single friends. I immediately began to plot and plan…I’d sit Zia next to Bachelors Number A, B and C, and D and if I could just convince E not to bring his live in girlfriend I was sure they’d hit it off!

My Wonderful SuperGroom lovingly pointed out to me the flaw in this plan….I would be putting my single people into even more stressful situations because it would be so obvious what I was trying to do. If I wanted this to work, I was going to have to be more subtle about it.

Hmmm…..subtle. I could do subtle.

After I looked up the word subtle in the dictionary, I returned to the drawing board. What I really needed was a way to point out who was single, in the hopes that single people would spot each other from across a crowded room and find reason to cross over to the other side. Well the crowded room I could provide, but the signal flares were more difficult. I toyed with the idea of making everyone wear a floral corsage. White would mean they were single, Red means they were married, yellow would mean in a relationship, but not married yet, and Blue would mean that they had a significant other in tow at the wedding (and to watch out for them if you went to check out their rear ends). But then I thought that there were other tastes that needed to be considered. If they were single but smoked, they would get a Purple flower, if they were from out of town, Orange flower, single but had children, Green flower, and if they were Gay they’d lovingly get one of every color.

My SuperGroom once again lovingly pointed out that I had used up the floral budget by more than three thousand dollars with this idea, and that maybe there was a simpler way. Why not just sit people within eye sight of one another. If they were interested, they’d approach.

I really did marry a genius.

SO then, I spent hours pouring over the Seating Chart, placing people at the same table with a variety of people that they might stand a chance of talking to, but really had them within eye sight of three or four possibilities of people that I wanted them to make babies and grow old with. I’m a slight type "A" personality. (Surprise!) and so in the seating chart that I gave my event planner, I had each table marked with the specific people that I wanted there, AND the order they should be seated in, AND the way that the table should face in a North, South orientation map, AND how far away from each table the others should be (some of my single friends are near sighted). I didn’t get a chance to spot check the menu cards locations as I had intended with my “Clip Board of Bridal Authority” so I was dismayed to learn later that Mama J and Zia were facing the wall, instead of the fresh meat that I had selected for the smorgasbord. No No No! The married people were to face the wall, why on earth would they need to be scoping the room?!


But luckily I have resourceful friends who worked out a trade and then tried to piece together just what it was that I meant by “Meat”. The ones that I had earmarked for Zia were a combination of Bride’s side, Grooms side. The selections were Bachelor A- Grooms side from his Alumni state. Bachelor B, my cousin who is in the military but an amazing sweetheart, Bachelor C, Brother of one of the ‘maids, and Bachelor D another wonderful cousin this one not in the military.

What happened next, I cannot be held responsible for. Bachelor A turned out to be really shy. I can’t wait to show Zia pictures because I don’t honestly know if she ever even saw him (remember I told you the room would be crowded!). Bachelor B Zia thought was cute, but it turns out the idiot started smoking, a real Zia no-no (He will be getting a call from his favorite cousin that will include a verbal slap upside the head-don’t give up Zia, he might quit!) Bachelor C Mama J thought was illegally young (actually I’m not entirely sure that she saw the right brother there either…I forgot that there were two in that family) and Bachelor D is stone faced and it takes a lot to make him laugh/smile/get any sort of reaction out of. (I had forgotten about that, he’s really a stitch once you get to know him).

Zia was not the only single person that I had on my list. Included in the list was one of my ‘maids who I had hoped to introduce to 'Hopeful Henry'- who took one look at Zia apparently and never noticed my ‘maid. Turns out my ‘maid noticed the illegally young brother too, but she never spoke to him. He, in turn, later asked me about a “hottie in a red dress”, who I had to inform him was a novice who was newly accepted into a convent….True story.

Sigh. What went wrong? I was sure that I was going to be happily posting tales on their wedding web pages shortly about how “I made it all happen”. Instead I’m writing about how “It’s not my fault!”

See I didn’t take into account the single’s rule- Look first. It turns out there isn’t a second rule. If they weren’t interested in their looks, no one bothered to approach. What happened next was that no one met anyone else. All of these fantastic singles who are funny, witty, charming, sincere, loyal, amazing people never got the chance to meet because there was no spark from across a room. Looks are literally not even 1/2 of 1% of the battle. But apparently they are an important step in jumping into the fray.

Bachelor A was shy in large crowds but my single girls never got to learn how he is My SuperGroom's Zia- that wonderful person that you never have a bad time with. Or how Bachelor B just returned from the disaster in Haiti and took the job that he did and has stayed in because he wants to help people. Or how Bachelor C works in a similar field as Zia, or how Bachelor D is a high school football coach because he loves working with kids.

I believe heartily that there is someone for everyone out there, and I will continue to champion my single friends to one another and dare I say it…Match-make if they come within 10 feet of me, because I want the world of other single people to know just how fantastic I think they are.

So I have a new idea. I think we should have a new kind of dating website out there- called “You Should Date My Friend.” Anyone could sign up their friend, but before you could add your friend to “join the dating pool,” you would need to have at least 3 people who would write references and explain what kind of person their friends really are. Oh, and you might want to get your single friend’s approval. The single person would write what kind of person they are looking for in a relationship. Imagine the possibilities of this. All of your single friends, men and women, and we could help them get together!

Zia- you’re first. Mama J and I will start writing your profile now, and I dare say that we could find one or two other people who would be willing to help you get into the dating pool. In addition to finding you a “man” we’d make millions.

Who’s with me!!!!